Money

Money, money, money. Need some. Fast. There must be a reason for my being in this situation. To trust? To take action? To learn? I wonder if there is a way I can make it fun? I wake up drained so it's hard to imagine doing more. Perhaps it's working more effectively rather than harder? Ugh, I'm feeling lost and a bit hopeless. I am putting out for a particular amount of bonus income to come to me. Part of me doesn't believe it will happen. But I will keep on at it. I have been imagining all the fun I'll have with that amount. And it feels good.

Give in

The trip was stressful and fun and exhausting and exciting. I had expectations. Camping was different to those expectations. I think I need to go away more often. And just allow the trip to unfold, to give in. Hmmm, it's a lot to ask. Relax. Let go. Give in. Bye.

Home is where the heart is

My latest "adventure" is being homeless. Not homeless homeless... I have somewhere to stay... just that I couldn't find a new home before leaving the old one. I have a few maybes, I've applied for a rental, and who knows...

I have had bursts of activity and done lots of useful things. I feel a lot less stuck than previously. I do still have some stagnant areas but there is a lot more movement, much of which is productive in some way or another.

There have been some sad times, some very emotional times. There have been some OK times and good times.

It's interesting how simply giving myself permission to try some new things has indeed produced that result.

Careful what you wish for...

I am getting what I've been wishing for... in a sudden strange dramatic way. I wanted to move out. And now I'm forced to move out. Sooner than I'd expected. The Universe really wants me out.

It's scary and painful and perhaps I'll look back at this time (well off in the future) and laugh...

Hmmmph, I also wanted adventure, did I not? Well, I am receiving it in abundance!

Saving daylight

In the last blog entry I mentioned a bout of craziness. Well. Since then things have been even more crazy. It's adventures I wanted and it's adventures I've been getting. So, much activity.

And *ahem* I am announcing that I will be moving house again. I haven't found one yet but withing the next one to two months I will be moving. Ideally I'd like to be in my new home by mid-January.

I had planned to have a holiday in late Feb and will be still aiming for that and doing my best to bring in more income. I'm also learning strategies to deal with the emotions that go along with all this change. And discovering how stress affects my sleeping and well-being. I've started yoga classes. I'm eating better. I've made debt arrangements. I've made some purchases on things I've been wanting. I've given away things I don't need. I've lost a couple of kilos.

I'm still scared of the unknown at times. My family and friends have been extremely supportive. I know I'll cope with whatever comes my way.

Three days

I mentioned to my boyfriend on Monday night that I was interested in doing some workshops, so could he look out for some I might like. The very next morning he was invited (meaning I was invited) to a three day event this coming weekend about creating success in all areas of your life. It took all of 10 seconds for me to go into a panic. I was still panicking this morning...

But I'll have to give up working this weekend, and that's my major source of income for the next fortnight?!
But I have financial targets to meet, can I really let this work go?!
But I'm about to move out - I need to save money, not spend it!
But how will I even find someone to cover the work at such short notice?!
But I have a deadline to get a story finished and sent off and I need Friday to get it done!
But how will eat cheaply, healthily and spend frugally while I'm there?!
But where will I sleep (it's too far to go home)?!
But how will I get 8-9 hrs of sleep each night and not be tired all day (it goes from 9am till 10:30 pm each day)?!
But how will I exercise (I've just started losing those few extra kilos and just enjoy being active every day and am feeling bad at doing no exercise last weekend)?!
But how will I do all those other chores/tasks that need doing?!
But I went away last weekend and had fun without exercising, working, not doing tasks and chores, spending money... but I want to catch up and get my routine back - not another weekend in a row!
But I'll have to postpone a meeting which I've already put back once already?!
But a friend is having a BBQ this weekend because I told her I could go!
But how will I even enjoy/get the most out of the seminar when it's stressing me this much?!

Have I mentioned that I get anxious when it comes to making decisions?

As I hung out my wet washing to dry I reminded myself that it was OK for me to feel panicked and anxious. I told myself it was OK, that any choice I made was OK. I am always allowed to feel whatever I am feeling.

I thought about my goal of having adventures. I know what my weekend would be like if I stayed. I'd make some money, get tired from working, perhaps be disappointed at not getting enough work. I'd fit in my exercise, chores and probably procrastinate doing other tasks. I wouldn't struggle to find replacements for work or change appointments or feel bad for missing a party. But I would feel safe.

I thought of what would happen if I went to the seminar. I may think it was a waste of time... but it's only three days. I'd get to spend time with my boyfriend before he went away, I'd try something I was uncomfortable with, I'd get to experience having faith that the Universe would provide for my needs and discover what it's like to get closer to my last few dollars. Perhaps I'd discover a way to get a bit of exercise. Perhaps I'll find a suitable accommodation and bring all my own food. Perhaps I'll get all the sleep I need. Perhaps I'll really enjoy the talks. Perhaps I'll have a breakthrough enabling me to generate income immediately in a new way. Perhaps my life will change. Perhaps I'll lose my anxiety!!!

I've booked the tickets – they were free... and after all, this is my year of adventures – and sought replacements for work. I figure it's meant to be if I can find someone to work for me. It is only for three days. I can cope with whatever happens in that time.

Peregrine

This change/grow/have adventures idea of mine is just not going to be easy for me. Already I've had a big argument because I didn't want to make a phone call. I'm battling against an extremely stubborn astrological sign, a family trait and a particularly strong personal characteristic. Just because I've decided I want adventure and change doesn't mean I won't resist it. I need to remind myself to try the alternative, to try something different to what I usually do. I made that phone call... to prove that I was right... and in anger. That's not how I want to approach these adventures. I want them to be fun and as wondrous as can be. To be filled with possibility and potential. Perhaps I'll be more open when I'm not pre-menstrual...

I have taken some extra work temporarily which means a bit more income. I've decided what days I'm available to take on a regular part-time/casual job. And I'm making more decisions about where I want and need to live and how much money I will need.

I vacuumed my car this morning (I would have washed it but the water restrictions prohibit hosing cars and I'm too lazy to use a bucket today). Also, I finally christened it. I've decided to name my car Peregrine because the name is about travelling and change (it's in a blog – it must be true!) Welcome, Perry, to my life :)

Back then

I'm stuck, you see? Confused, broke (actually in debt), aimless. And really and truly stuck. I need to move house, make some income, work on certain commitments... but I am lost as to how. And the what, where, when and which of it just gives me a headache. It seems that everyone around me has an opinion on what I should do. I've been told I simply need to be clear about what I want. What I want. That word... want. I want it to be easy and for a solution to appear. I'm open to different things. I thought I had decided on where and what I wanted to live in. Then some new information came to light which not only confused me further but cost me $70. I still am playing with different careers and trying them on for size. It's in my horoscope; apparently I'm meant to be indecisive. However, this is just ridiculous! My mind changes from day to day, month to month. And to top it all off, I'm almost 30. Obviously, Saturn is playing tricks on me!

The last few days were dark days. I went spiralling into a miserable hopeless state. I felt alone. I felt I had taken a huge step backwards. I felt powerless. I went for a walk in the night and cried and cried and cried. What was the point of my life and in fact, of everything?

This morning, however, I saw the signs of Spring. I meditated and visualised, I drew Angel cards in answer to certain questions. My positive hopeful feelings were returning. I went for a walk and listened to rushing water and to birds calling and feeding. I thought of what was going on, or rather not going on, in my life. I thought of the future.

I had an idea.