Money

Money, money, money. Need some. Fast. There must be a reason for my being in this situation. To trust? To take action? To learn? I wonder if there is a way I can make it fun? I wake up drained so it's hard to imagine doing more. Perhaps it's working more effectively rather than harder? Ugh, I'm feeling lost and a bit hopeless. I am putting out for a particular amount of bonus income to come to me. Part of me doesn't believe it will happen. But I will keep on at it. I have been imagining all the fun I'll have with that amount. And it feels good.

To be a Hippie

My bank balance is the lowest it has been in... well, since I've been looking after my own money. It's um, terrifying. I've been panicking. Depressed. Then I started visualising. It is working. I am still confused and worried. I am going on one of my biggest adventures as an adult. I will be travelling for oh, about 4 mths next year. I am S-C-A-R-E-D. I like to be working towards something. I like routine (although at the moment I don't have a routine). I like to have money. I have three months to save up enough money to pay my tax and take care of any expenses while we are away. Hmmmm..... I can't say no to going. It will be a challenge but I would never have done it otherwise. My bf will be with me. I need to learn to drive a manual before going. Sit the exam if I can do it in time. And tie-up all loose ends. Eeek!

Back then

I'm stuck, you see? Confused, broke (actually in debt), aimless. And really and truly stuck. I need to move house, make some income, work on certain commitments... but I am lost as to how. And the what, where, when and which of it just gives me a headache. It seems that everyone around me has an opinion on what I should do. I've been told I simply need to be clear about what I want. What I want. That word... want. I want it to be easy and for a solution to appear. I'm open to different things. I thought I had decided on where and what I wanted to live in. Then some new information came to light which not only confused me further but cost me $70. I still am playing with different careers and trying them on for size. It's in my horoscope; apparently I'm meant to be indecisive. However, this is just ridiculous! My mind changes from day to day, month to month. And to top it all off, I'm almost 30. Obviously, Saturn is playing tricks on me!

The last few days were dark days. I went spiralling into a miserable hopeless state. I felt alone. I felt I had taken a huge step backwards. I felt powerless. I went for a walk in the night and cried and cried and cried. What was the point of my life and in fact, of everything?

This morning, however, I saw the signs of Spring. I meditated and visualised, I drew Angel cards in answer to certain questions. My positive hopeful feelings were returning. I went for a walk and listened to rushing water and to birds calling and feeding. I thought of what was going on, or rather not going on, in my life. I thought of the future.

I had an idea.