Lifelong Adventure

I did go away for three weeks, came home and worked for a week, away for another week. All of my trips have been challenging due to my reluctance to be away from home and on the move. And also, there have been restrictions in the way I have travelled and with my travel compantions. I have seen and done some wonderful things. I have also tolerated a lot of things. I would like to be more embracing of experiences, rather than putting up with them... especially special trips overseas. I suppose that's OK too. It's who I am.

And now that I'm home again... well, an even bigger adventure is on the cards... one that I did not plan or foresee until a couple of months ago. I panicked, of course! And now I'm questioning if it's right for me. And also seeing if it is possible to actually take place.

It seems that if you have a goal to experiment and try new things at the back of your mind... well, it happens. I did want to have more control over the things I was trying... actually choosing experiences that I would like and wanted to do... still working on this. They still seem to be coming from outside of myself and more random and uncontrolled than is preferable.

It's been more than a year... perhaps I should change the blog title to Lifelong Adventure?

Invariables

I didn't attend the seminar after all. After my realisation that I could coax myself to try new things, I reached a state of calm and accepted that I would just have to wait to know what I would do on the weekend. I had some half-hearted offers for one shift. It wasn't to be. I worked and made some good money and had some ideas to bring in more money, and to challenge myself to try new things. Around work I also spent some much-needed time with my fella.

Already I've been 'sort of' asked to go away on my next big weekend of work. See, most of the time I have one weekend on, one weekend off. I have cut back but have been filling-in for others. And invariably, social activities fall on the 'on' weekend. At least I have warning and time to find replacements for next fortnight... if I choose to go... this trip would cost money... and be purely for entertainment... I'm not sure about it...

It's becoming clear that if I want to have a social life I need to find work on week DAYS rather than weekends.

And the answer to that is to... move to a new location? Get away from the tourism industry? Hmmm...

This week I plan to go through my stuff and get ready to move! And do a bit of paperwork or start my tax return etc. Oh, and have a couple of adventures too :)

Three days

I mentioned to my boyfriend on Monday night that I was interested in doing some workshops, so could he look out for some I might like. The very next morning he was invited (meaning I was invited) to a three day event this coming weekend about creating success in all areas of your life. It took all of 10 seconds for me to go into a panic. I was still panicking this morning...

But I'll have to give up working this weekend, and that's my major source of income for the next fortnight?!
But I have financial targets to meet, can I really let this work go?!
But I'm about to move out - I need to save money, not spend it!
But how will I even find someone to cover the work at such short notice?!
But I have a deadline to get a story finished and sent off and I need Friday to get it done!
But how will eat cheaply, healthily and spend frugally while I'm there?!
But where will I sleep (it's too far to go home)?!
But how will I get 8-9 hrs of sleep each night and not be tired all day (it goes from 9am till 10:30 pm each day)?!
But how will I exercise (I've just started losing those few extra kilos and just enjoy being active every day and am feeling bad at doing no exercise last weekend)?!
But how will I do all those other chores/tasks that need doing?!
But I went away last weekend and had fun without exercising, working, not doing tasks and chores, spending money... but I want to catch up and get my routine back - not another weekend in a row!
But I'll have to postpone a meeting which I've already put back once already?!
But a friend is having a BBQ this weekend because I told her I could go!
But how will I even enjoy/get the most out of the seminar when it's stressing me this much?!

Have I mentioned that I get anxious when it comes to making decisions?

As I hung out my wet washing to dry I reminded myself that it was OK for me to feel panicked and anxious. I told myself it was OK, that any choice I made was OK. I am always allowed to feel whatever I am feeling.

I thought about my goal of having adventures. I know what my weekend would be like if I stayed. I'd make some money, get tired from working, perhaps be disappointed at not getting enough work. I'd fit in my exercise, chores and probably procrastinate doing other tasks. I wouldn't struggle to find replacements for work or change appointments or feel bad for missing a party. But I would feel safe.

I thought of what would happen if I went to the seminar. I may think it was a waste of time... but it's only three days. I'd get to spend time with my boyfriend before he went away, I'd try something I was uncomfortable with, I'd get to experience having faith that the Universe would provide for my needs and discover what it's like to get closer to my last few dollars. Perhaps I'd discover a way to get a bit of exercise. Perhaps I'll find a suitable accommodation and bring all my own food. Perhaps I'll get all the sleep I need. Perhaps I'll really enjoy the talks. Perhaps I'll have a breakthrough enabling me to generate income immediately in a new way. Perhaps my life will change. Perhaps I'll lose my anxiety!!!

I've booked the tickets – they were free... and after all, this is my year of adventures – and sought replacements for work. I figure it's meant to be if I can find someone to work for me. It is only for three days. I can cope with whatever happens in that time.

Moving On

It all happened last week... it seems I've found a new home... I'm a little bit apprehensive... it doesn't seem absolutely perfect... yet it will be okay... and will be easy to leave if required... and it may even be an excellent arrangement. I will know more in the the next day or two, whether it will really go ahead. I'm thinking to just jump in and take it... even though it doesn't seem like the perfect arrangement. It doesn't seem worse than where I am now, rather better actually. So, I will take the plunge and move on.

And moving right along...

I've realised lately that my dreams and goals are wishy-washy. I don't have a burning desire to do only one thing, rather to do several things reasonably well. I've never known of one thing that drives me. It's more that I make choices or, er, let them be made for me. And I just get by. My question is, how do you know or learn what you want? Experimenting and exploring seem to be the only way I can get close to knowing. I came across a piece of writing last night stating that when you feel inspired to do something you need to act there and then when your emotions are still high... to avoid the Law of Diminishing Intent, that this is a form of discipline. I can be disciplined! I can achieve and learn and record it all. And, if I or any reader learn something, then it will all have been worthwhile.

Thinking

"It's like you're just waiting for money [and work and all those other things you want] to come to you!!!"

Me: Thinking, Oh? Is that not how it works???

I know stacks of people who are not getting what they want. Jobless, relationship-less, friendless, childless, health-less, penniless etc. etc. I'm coming to the realisation that there must be something these people are not doing that People Who Succeed are doing. Of course I fall into the not doing category. It's funny because I think I'm doing, but I'm starting to think that really I'm just thinking. Or I'm doing different things to ones that would achieve success. So I am getting clear in my aim to try different tactics or to take advice from people who do succeed. Perhaps I'll read an Anthony Robbins book or talk to some people. Or go out and experiment with different things, even if they feel strange to me, even if I don't like it initially. To dare to try something new. Oh, and I'm still allowed to think... and follow-up with action.

I made some purchases today. I have bills to pay. And I also have money coming in to me. It flows in and out. Now to do those things that have more cash flowing in than out!

Peregrine

This change/grow/have adventures idea of mine is just not going to be easy for me. Already I've had a big argument because I didn't want to make a phone call. I'm battling against an extremely stubborn astrological sign, a family trait and a particularly strong personal characteristic. Just because I've decided I want adventure and change doesn't mean I won't resist it. I need to remind myself to try the alternative, to try something different to what I usually do. I made that phone call... to prove that I was right... and in anger. That's not how I want to approach these adventures. I want them to be fun and as wondrous as can be. To be filled with possibility and potential. Perhaps I'll be more open when I'm not pre-menstrual...

I have taken some extra work temporarily which means a bit more income. I've decided what days I'm available to take on a regular part-time/casual job. And I'm making more decisions about where I want and need to live and how much money I will need.

I vacuumed my car this morning (I would have washed it but the water restrictions prohibit hosing cars and I'm too lazy to use a bucket today). Also, I finally christened it. I've decided to name my car Peregrine because the name is about travelling and change (it's in a blog – it must be true!) Welcome, Perry, to my life :)

Resistance

Change is not something that I enjoy or indulge. I'll use any excuse to stay exactly where I am whilst simultaneously wishing things were better. I find it difficult to pick a course of action. When nothing feels right, do you just do something? Just so that you're moving? Or is it better to wait? And what am I waiting for exactly? What if my desired outcome doesn't exist? These are tough questions, the kind of questions that keep me awake at night. And that keep me stuck. Now that I'm having adventures I'll be on the look out for ways to prompt me into action. Deadlines tend to help. When I absolutely have to act, I will. But it's a very stressful way to go about things. There must be a better way.

I am trying, however. Last night a friend dropped around and I spontaneously invited him for dinner. Then, when close to serving my yummy dinner, I had an invite to go out and see the lunar eclipse from a lookout. That was a bit too much spontaneity for me and I grumbled and grizzled about how the partial eclipse had already started and I'd already made plans and that dinner was almost ready and that I didn't want to miss the actual full eclipse moment (it was only half an hour away). It took my boyfriend 10 mins to talk me into going. And after I'd stopped resisting and being difficult, it was a fun adventure, more memorable than watching the moon from my backyard.

It just hit me that I have a whole year of adventures in store for me. Let's hope they come a little more easily as the days pass!

Back then

I'm stuck, you see? Confused, broke (actually in debt), aimless. And really and truly stuck. I need to move house, make some income, work on certain commitments... but I am lost as to how. And the what, where, when and which of it just gives me a headache. It seems that everyone around me has an opinion on what I should do. I've been told I simply need to be clear about what I want. What I want. That word... want. I want it to be easy and for a solution to appear. I'm open to different things. I thought I had decided on where and what I wanted to live in. Then some new information came to light which not only confused me further but cost me $70. I still am playing with different careers and trying them on for size. It's in my horoscope; apparently I'm meant to be indecisive. However, this is just ridiculous! My mind changes from day to day, month to month. And to top it all off, I'm almost 30. Obviously, Saturn is playing tricks on me!

The last few days were dark days. I went spiralling into a miserable hopeless state. I felt alone. I felt I had taken a huge step backwards. I felt powerless. I went for a walk in the night and cried and cried and cried. What was the point of my life and in fact, of everything?

This morning, however, I saw the signs of Spring. I meditated and visualised, I drew Angel cards in answer to certain questions. My positive hopeful feelings were returning. I went for a walk and listened to rushing water and to birds calling and feeding. I thought of what was going on, or rather not going on, in my life. I thought of the future.

I had an idea.